Create Safety, Not Control

Tips for ADHD Women on Regulating Intense Emotions

May 29, 2025

Safety, Not Control — A Quick Guide for ADHD Women

You’re fine one minute, and the next, you’re overwhelmed, angry, crying, or shut down. Sometimes it can happen with no warning, and it overtakes you. You feel out of control.

It might look like:

Snapping at someone you care about, then feeling immediate shame
Wanting to leave your body because everything’s too much
Crying in the car and not even knowing why
Being incredibly anxious and wanting to avoid everything and everyone
Thinking, What the hell is wrong with me?

What’s Actually Going On

Here’s the science

Emotional regulation means being able to recognize your emotions and take steps to manage them within a range that allows you to think and act as you want.

But for ADHD women, that process is harder, and here’s why:

The ADHD brain reacts faster to stress
It takes longer to recover
Hormones (especially in the second half of your cycle, perimenopause, or menopause) can pour gasoline on every emotion
After years of being told you're “too much” or “too sensitive,” and being pushed to perform, your nervous system is stuck in survival mode

Then come the expectations:

Stay calm. Keep the house in order. Don’t snap. Don’t fall apart. Be productive. Smile. You're judged against neurotypical standards built for people with completely different brains—and no one's giving you a safety net.

This is why mainstream advice like “just breathe” or “choose better reactions” falls flat.

You don’t need more control. You need more safety.

👉 Check out the Emotional Regulation Packet for free here

Rule to keep in mind: the aim isn't to shut feelings down; it's to make your body feel safe.

Safety Builders

Here's how to work with your ADHD brain instead of against it:

1️⃣ Self-Care Anchors

Predictable rhythms lower baseline stress and clear mental space.

Try to keep wake-up, meal, and bedtime routines consistent—even just one part helps.
Put sleep first; everything else works better when you're rested.

2️⃣ Co-Regulation

Calm is literally contagious.

Text a trusted friend: "Two-minute breathe with me?"
Sit beside someone steady or talk it out face-to-face.

3️⃣ Sensory Breaks & Soothing

Try tools like earplugs, a weighted blanket, or a rocking chair—anything that sends your body the message: you’re safe.
Movement and comfort matter too. Take a walk, hop in the shower, pet your dog. Whatever helps your body shift out of overdrive is valid.

4️⃣ Self-Accommodation + Compassion

Meet needs before overload; warmth drops cortisol.

Ask, "What can I do to feel better?"
Adjust the environment (sound, lighting, seating) or shrink the task.
Swap "push through" for "What would make this doable?"

5️⃣ Compassionate Self-Talk

Language rewires threat loops.

Catch the "I should handle this better" script.
Say: "Of course I feel this way. My emotions are valid. What can I do to help myself right now?"
Say it out loud—hearing your own kindness matters.

Also, try to remember: your emotions aren't just a problem to fix; they can often be a valuable source of information pointing you toward what you need to make decisions about your life. But first, you need to be regulated. Start with one safety builder that feels most doable today.

We discuss emotions and emotional regulation in our Flourish support group for women with ADHD.

👉Learn about the Flourish Model and Community Here

👉 Get into the group. Just put our name on the list for the next cohort here
👉 Check out an Emotional Regulation Packet for free here
👉 Therapist/coach curious about the Flourish model? Please! Get on the list for the next affordable planned coach training here.

I hope you enjoyed this newsletter about emotional regulation.

I’m a therapist in Charlotte NC that specializes in working with neurodivergent women.

If you liked this newsletter, please share it with others or leave a comment.

Flourish: A Newsletter for ADHD Women

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